


Friendzone

by Nichtigkeit_4



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:28:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28090932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nichtigkeit_4/pseuds/Nichtigkeit_4
Summary: The Titanic has sunk. Again. And thousands of people died with it. It was still deep in Dean's bones. The anger, the rage, and the despair. And then there was Castiel, who drove him crazy, as he often did. With everything he did and said. And Castiel? He tried to get rid of something important. But they wouldn't be them if this wasn't the beginning of the whole chaos. // Sequel S6/E17 - My heart will go on / Destiel
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester





	Friendzone

**Author's Note:**

> All my stories have been translated from German to English. Since English is not my native language, translation errors may occur. But I hope that they are not too serious. If you notice any, feel free to tell me.
> 
> Have fun!

Restlessly, Dean paced back and forth. After Sam and he had made sure Bobby was okay and couldn't remember any of the things that had happened that were still more than present in their own minds, he had gone back outside. Had left Sam alone in the kitchen to get some fresh air. It had taken some time for the whole extent of this situation to fully sink in, and it had nearly knocked him off his feet. And now he found himself here. At the entrance to Bobby's house, in front of which he was pacing like a tiger, agitated.

This thing with Castiel and Balthazar gave him no peace. Above all, the thought of the 50,000 people who were now all not born, as Castiel had said, did not let him go. They had not 'died' in the actual sense. But much worse about it was that this was not even true. It was something they liked to tell themselves. But people had very well died in the process. Like Ellen and Jo. And Dean didn't want to think about how many more of them there were. People who lived normal lives. They died because their time had simply come and this cursed ship made it dependent on when this time was. Because with the decision to let the Titianic sink, he had killed Ellen and Jo. This thought made anger rise in him and full of rage, he called Castiel's name. Called him to him without really knowing why. What should he say once this angel was in front of him? Should he blame him for it? Dean didn't know. But it was clear that Dean had to vent his anger somehow. And then there was Castiel. His usual monotonous expression on his face, he greeted him.

"Hello, Dean" - And that was the last straw. Without knowing where it came from, Dean's anger at Castiel and the world only grew. He stared at him, with a face that would only clearly show Castiel how he was feeling right now. Angry, hopeless, abandoned. And not only by the world, which had once again taken away the people who meant so much to him, as only a family did. No, also by Castiel. And this apathetic face that looked at him, although he felt so many emotions arise in him at the same time, gave him a sting. He looked at an angel, a man who had just killed thousands of people. And all for Dean's sake.

"Do you ever have a different record on?" it came out pressed between Dean's lips and he had to turn away from Castiel for a moment. He couldn't look at him any longer. It hurt far too much to know what that damn angel would do for him. Even though Dean was sure that he himself wasn't even worth all that. What was so much more significant about his life than anyone else's. Ellen's and Jo's? - Agonized, he closed his eyes, escaping the questioning look Castiel gave him. - "How can you be like this, Cas?" - Dean's voice sounded pained. As pained as he felt right now. There wasn't an ounce of anger left in his voice, and yet Castiel suspected that it was still simmering very close to the surface. And although Castiel was aware of all this, he did not know what it all meant. What gave Dean reason to be so agitated and angry? Castiel just tilted his head, as he always did when he couldn't follow what his counterpart was saying. With the slight fear of saying something wrong in the background. He knew how energetic Dean was about things he said or did. And he didn't want to do anything right now that could further his negative feelings.

"How can you act as if nothing has happened? You just killed thousands of people! These people you're supposed to be protecting!" Dean spoke when he noticed that Castiel was as clueless as ever. And he turned back to him. Still with the same pain in his eyes, which Dean usually tried to hide and yet put Castiel into turmoil again every time - only on the inside, of course. On the outside, he watched him calmly and with an expressionless look on his face. He tried to analyze the feelings Dean was having. And how could it have been otherwise than that it was about the people of the Titanic? Already when Castiel explained the situation to them, he had seen exactly that pain in his eyes that told him that he was blaming himself for something again. That he felt responsible for what had happened. And that was the very last thing Castiel wanted. And he wanted many things. He wanted to end this terrible war between the angels. He wanted his father back who told him what to do and so much more. But hurting Dean - That was the last thing Castiel had intended.

"I didn't kill anyone. You were just never born," Castiel said again, more forcefully this time. He took a small step toward Dean who slowly but surely began to despair. - "No, Cas! It doesn't make any damn difference! Who actually gave you the right to decide who was born and who wasn't? They were all breathing, living people! With real futures, with dreams! And what about Ellen and Jo? They were born and the sinking of that fucking ship made it dependent on whether they died or not! You killed them!" - It resembled an outburst of rage and yet there was this determination, this calmness, all subliminal in his voice that made Castiel understand that all he was saying was nothing more than the truth. It was Dean's own personal truth that made him close his eyes in despair while his forehead wrinkled in agony. - "And God knows how many more"

"It was necessary. It was the fate of the Titanic to go down, with all those who were on board. It was the order of things that should never have been changed" - That Castiel had his fingers deeply involved in this game, he mentioned of course with no word. He did not want to upset Dean even more and above all it was not his burden. And he shouldn't get into the distress of having to carry it. The civil war he was fighting up there with his siblings had nothing to do with Dean or Sam and he didn't want to drag them into it in any case. He would find another way to finally bring peace back to heaven, even without bringing Dean or anyone else down with him. It was not his task to straighten out the waves that Castiel had woven with his own hands. But Dean had no idea about that. He was not in the situation to pay further attention to it, because his biggest problem now was this fucking butterfly effect. The sinking of a single ship had caused the people he loved the most to die. A ship that sank decades before they were born with no concrete connection to them was their downfall. And over and over again, scenes played out in Dean's mind that showed every possible contingency it would take to fundamentally change the life they now led. What had brought them to this exact point? Was it the day he got his father to buy the Impala instead of a shaky van? Or when he picked Sam up from college, and thus was partly responsible for him not being with Jess when she was attacked and burned to death in pain? Or that time he lost him once while hunting when he was fifteen and his father gave him the silent treatment for three days until they found him? Or maybe it was the extinction of the Lake Pedder rain worm? Who knew? So many details, so many incredible possibilities. Every step he took, every ant he crushed under the soles of his shoes, could perhaps be the reason for his death. Or that of another person close to him. It was to despair and deeply depressing at the same time.

"Those are nothing more than flimsy excuses," Dean spoke bitterly as he turned away from him again. - "What do you think I should have done?" - Castiel was now clearly annoyed. Because no matter what he said, whether it was true or not, it just seemed to bounce off Dean. He was completely resistant to any kind of truth. Because it wasn't his. What else was Castiel supposed to do? What could he say that would make Dean finally see that he had never had a choice but to act the way he did? Dean seemed not to have the complete whole in the view. He always acted according to his feelings, without thinking about the consequences of his actions. And that annoyed Castiel almost more. Because Dean's next words proved that all too clearly. And they hurt deep inside him. - "Let them live!" he threw back at him furiously, looking at him from angry eyes that almost sparked green. His jaw was tense, his teeth clenched so tightly he should have been almost convulsing. But Dean held himself back. He tried not to rage too much, yet forcefully make his point. - " And let you die instead?" - "Yes!" - The words came over his lips without him giving it much thought. It was the first thing that came to his mind and he meant it. After all, it wouldn't be the first time he died and it would have saved thousands of people's lives. So many people for the life of one. Dean felt sick again. And the icy silence above them stretched. For seconds that felt like minutes and those like hours, Castiel stared into Dean's eyes that were so full of pain and despair that the angel could do no more than continue to stare into that unfathomable green. Hoping to glimpse something else in them. But he found nothing. And Castiel had no answer to his words either. In fact, he should be surprised that Dean thought that way. He should be angry at him for throwing his life away so quickly, even though it was clear from the first hour that he was destined for something great. But he didn't. Because he would never have expected anything else from Dean. Why should he? Dean had always been like that. Always careful that no one came to harm because of him. But what man wasn't? No one wanted another to suffer for him. If the person was in his right mind.

"Damn it, Cas" - Dean looked desperate. Not only by the gesture of rubbing his face with his palms and trying to massage his forehead somehow, so that this hellish headache that slowly overcame him, finally came to an end. Also his voice which swung between despair and annoyance spoke for the fact that he did not know any longer further. This whole conversation and this whole argumentation. It had no ryhme or reason any more. What exactly was it all about? Did he want to get Castiel to undo everything? Did he want him to admit that what he did was wrong? What did he want Castiel to do? - "Every fucking time it comes to choosing between the greater good of hundreds and the greater good of one, you don't hesitate for a second to sacrifice one. Nobody does that. But now, all of a sudden, it's about us, and thousands of people are supposed to die? I can't live with that, Cas. I can' t take it. I don't want any more guilt on my shoulders. I just can't" - He just wanted Castiel to finally understand.

"You don't have to" - How could he make Dean understand that? Castiel would try everything to finally make him see. Because all these sacrifices would never be in vain. Dean was part of a much larger destiny and he had to survive. It was important for the world' s continued existence. It was important to Castiel. Most importantly, it was for Castiel. - "None of this is your fault" - Castiel dared to take another step towards Dean. He hoped he wouldn't back away and allow the closeness he was sure was what Dean needed right now. He needed the hold to keep from falling and sinking into the bottomless pit as he had done so many times before. Dean wondered to himself how it was that he hadn't sunk into oblivion long ago, but the answer to that was simple. Almost too simple. Because it was Castiel who helped him back to his feet every time, dragging him up with all the strength he had, no matter how firmly Dean was stuck in the darkness. And he would do it again now. He would do it again and again. Every time, all over again. Even if it wore out his strength. He would bring Dean back from hell every time. - "Of course it is. You killed them for my safety" - But when would he realize that? - "Dean, this has nothing to do with you-" - Why didn't he just listen to him? When was this Winchester going to learn to understand? - "It does! If you'd just let it have its way, Ellen and Jo would still be alive right now" - "Dean-" - He should just listen. - "And Bobby wouldn't be so lonely and unhappy" - "It's-" - He wouldn't let Castiel have the chance to speak. He had already spoken himself into a rage far too much, and he would not rest until he had given vent to it. - "Why did you kill those people? It wasn't worth it!" - Now Castiel was losing his temper, too. He would just make Dean listen to him! - "Yes it is! If it's about you, I'd kill every living thing in every possible dimension if it meant you were safe!" - An icy silence spread over them. Dean was simply speechless. He had not expected such an outburst from Castiel. It rarely happened that Castiel expressed his feelings so strongly and especially in the form of an outburst of rage. Castiel himself turned his eyes away. He struggled with himself and his words. Unpleasantly touched that he had let himself go like that. It was not in his nature to become loud. Especially not towards Dean. But he just couldn't stand it any longer. Not when Dean said things like that. - "Dean, it's so- You're- All of this- is so incredibly hard"- Again, a silence came over them, less icy but no less uncomfortable. How was he supposed to start this? Should he even say it? It would change everything, Castiel knew that. Still, he couldn't go on like this. It weighed on him immensely, even if he tried to hide it all, especially from Dean. But it hurt. He felt a pain in his chest that he had never felt in the thousands of years he had already lived. And it was a pain that only occurred in association with Dean. Since that moment- - "Since the moment I grabbed you by the shoulder, pulled you out of hell, and burned my grace into your skin, I've protected you. I always came when you called. I am loyal to you. As loyal as I usually am to my father. But not because I have to. I do it out of faith and trust in you" - Castiel looked intensely into Dean's eyes. Searching for an emotional movement in which he could perhaps interpret whether he had better break off here or possibly risk it. But except for astonishment and a hint of understanding he could see nothing in this deep green that shimmered against the sun that slowly sank behind the junkyard where they still stood and spread an increasingly dim light around them.

"Dean, to me- you are-" - Castiel struggled with himself, not sure how best to put it now. After all, he had no experience in such matters, and the fact that this was about Dean made it much more difficult. But Dean himself was sure he knew what Castiel was trying to say. Or at least he thought he did. So he interrupted him. He took away the agony of standing in front of him struggling for words, knowing full well that it was pure torture for Castiel. - "Cas, it's okay. I know" - Dean immediately caught Castiel's confused look, which made him smile. He was just far too easy to figure out and, more importantly, to get rattled by. From time to time, Dean really enjoyed pulling Castiel's leg a little, trying to throw him off his guard a bit and make him lose his mind. But now was not the right time for such games. Castiel seemed to be insecure enough and Dean wasn't in the mood to take advantage of that at the moment. So he just kept talking, hoping to restore to Castiel some of the calm he usually held so intensely. - "I feel the same way" - Dean's smile softened as he could see the relief that now gripped Castiel. He took a deep breath, lowered the shoulders he had been tensing uncomfortably until then, and seemed to wait for Dean to continue speaking. - "You're-" - Castiel held his breath. - "-like a brother to me" - And there was the confusion again, which, however, did not manage to become master of Castiel's facial expressions. He controlled himself and continued to withstand Dean's gaze as it flitted across his face and regarded him silently for a moment. - "We've really been through a lot crap. You've become part of the family" - And that was the moment Castiel got his bearings again. He understood what Dean just told him and yet didn't really dare to believe it. Because that would mean- yeah, what would that mean to them? - "A brother? The way Sam is to you?" - Dean nodded. - "Just like Sammy is. I'd walk through fire for you- literally. And I'm sure Sam is no different. We may not be related by blood-" Dean laughed. - "-we're not even the same species but that doesn't change the fact that I love you like a brother, just like Sam"

So Castiel's worst fear had come true. He could no longer deny it or tell himself it wasn't true, because he had now heard it from Dean's mouth. And the pain he felt at that made him lower his eyelids and turn his gaze toward the ground. He still kept his head up, too proud to show his pain too obviously, and still didn't manage to keep looking at Dean. But in spite of everything, Dean walked up to him, not the slightest idea of the chaos that was going on inside this angel, who usually seemed so controlled and composed, and put his hands on his shoulders. Made Castiel look at him again, although everything inside him resisted. Nevertheless, he looked at those green, unfathomable eyes, which looked at him with a warmth that Castiel had not understood long ago. But now he knew what they meant. And though it was not what he had longed for, he appreciated it. Because it was more than he had ever dared to dream. And Castiel nodded, the hint of a smile on his face.

"Thank you, Dean. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone in this feeling, when it's so strange for me to feel this way about someone other than my true siblings" - And Castiel meant it as he said it, even if it was hard for him to keep the smile he gave Dean. But he did it to keep him from worrying. Dean should never worry about him. - "Family doesn't stop at blood," Dean quoted, Bobby proudly, patting Castiel on the shoulder again and then taking a few steps away from him. He knew all this was far from over. The sinking of the Titanic and what Castiel had done still stuck deep in his bones, but he couldn't help but have some sympathy for Castiel. Because if he was honest with himself, he would not have acted differently if it had been about Sam - which it had indirectly - or about Castiel. And Dean had to admit to himself that maybe he wasn't necessarily in the position to blame Castiel for that. Even if he still needed the time to let it all sink in. - "I've got to go now. I picked up something on the angel radio" - And without another word he was gone. Castiel had rudely snapped Dean out of his thoughts and hadn't even waited for an answer before disappearing with a fluttering sound. Everything as always, Dean realized morosely. - "We really need to discuss the way he says goodbye again," Dean muttered to himself and made his way back to the house. Always haunted by the feeling that something hadn't gone the way it was supposed to. Castiel was weird. Weirder than usual. And Dean wondered if maybe he had said something wrong.

Thoughtfully, he walked into the kitchen, where he found Sam remarkably more focused, staring at his laptop. His gaze grew more sullen and he looked at his brother, who still didn't turn his head toward him. Although he noticed quite clearly that Dean had entered the room. - "You were eavesdropping" - Sam squinted over at him. - "I don't know what you're talking about" - "Don't pretend. You were eavesdropping on my conversation with Cas at the door. You're still breathing unevenly from your run from the door to here" - Sam laughed playfully, visibly caught, and leaned back in his chair, now fully facing his brother. - "Pff! As if I- Why would I-" - Dean practically stabbed him with his gaze. His brow furrowed deeply, and from every pore he radiated that he wasn't buying this for a second from Sam. And Sam knew there was no way he could deny it. He had always been a miserable liar. - "All right. Maybe I've got a thing or two coming," he admitted now, watching his brother's every move, who was now sighing in his direction before dropping heavily into the chair. - "Go on! Speak up. What did I do wrong again?" - Tired, Dean rubbed his face. This had clearly been far too long a day and he prayed it would end soon. Actually, he hadn't had the strength to stay on his feet for a while. But Castiel was weird and Dean knew that he was somehow partly to blame. He couldn't and wouldn't put it off. A bad feeling told him that this could have serious consequences. But maybe he was wrong and this feeling only arose in him because he had never been able to stand it when there was such a thick air between him and Castiel. He hated the crackling in the air between them when they stared each other down, because each of them hoped that the other would finally give in. And that queasy feeling in his stomach when he saw that disappointed and hurt look in his eyes that told him every time that this was all his fault. It caused something in him that was very close to the feeling of nausea. But openly, of course, Dean would never admit that.

Sam closed the laptop, which pulled Dean out of his thoughts and brought him uncomfortably back to the present. He met his brother's gaze, which seemed to have been staring at him for quite some time. - "The real question is, what haven't you done wrong?" - Sam paused for a moment that Dean was sure was merely for dramatic purposes. If this situation weren't obscure enough, he might have laughed at his brother's constant clichéd manner. But no sound would leave his throat. Maybe because he was just too exhausted for that? Because all he could do was frown again and give Sam a skeptical look before he started talking. - "First you harassed him, then you didn't let him finish, and last but not least, you really hurt him" - Their eye contact didn't break. Although Dean had never felt more uncomfortable with it than he did right now. Because he had done what he always tried to avoid. And yet he was the same idiot with the same mistakes every time. He hurt Castiel over and over again every time. - "Hurt? With what?" - And yet he couldn't turn this rotten feeling he had to the outside. Never would he openly show his brother that it weighed like a heavy stone on his chest that Sam had now stated the obvious. - "Dude, you friend zoned him"- Dean shook his head slightly. - "Friend- what?" - "Friend zoned. Are you really that stupid or don't you get it?" - Of course he didn't understand. He never understood anything related to Castiel before. Whenever it was about this angel he was paralyzed. His brain could not make clear connections. Maybe that was exactly why he was such a complete idiot around him every time. - "Man, Cas was trying to confess his feelings to you" - Sam had always suspected something and still held back. His brother should figure out for himself that Castiel was more to him than a brother, just like he had said himself. Because Sam was sure that there was more to it even if Dean didn't admit it. But he was the one with eyes open, after all. He could see how they looked at each other, even if the other didn't see it. And how they treated each other. No brothers behaved like that. But when would Dean finally understand that? At the time when Sam broke his rule not to tell Dean about it, he should understand what it was between them. At least Sam hoped so. - "What do you mean by feelings? You don't mean-" - And yet Dean questioned his words. Almost as if he didn't want to admit it. But Sam was sure it caused his brother's heart to pound. He shifted slightly uneasily in his chair. Sam was sure they were words of insecurity. - " Yes, Dean, exactly that! And I can assure you that it has nothing at all to do with brotherly love" - Quite closely he watched his brother, who again rubbed his face in a nervous manner. - "Oh shit" - Was that despair? Rejection? Or the much longed for realization Sam heard out of it? But he couldn't get through to Dean. He didn't know what he was thinking or what he was thinking of doing about it now. And he didn't know that Dean had no idea either. He stared into space, past his brother, trying to process somehow that Castiel - his favorite angel - was probably really in love with him. And Dean couldn't deny that he also had special feelings for Castiel. But could this already be called love? If in Castiel's presence his pulse sped up immediately? Or when his stomach turned when he saw Castiel getting into fights again, whether he got hurt or not? Or that he couldn't help touching him? That whenever he came in contact with that cursed angel, it was like a burning trail across his skin? Dean didn't know. But what was certain was that the fact that Castiel probably liked him more than a brother scared him off less than it should.

"What do I do now?" - "You should straighten it out. But it has to come from you. Because knowing Cas, he wouldn't do anything to displease you. He cares a lot about you being happy. And now that he's heard it from your mouth that you have no romantic interest in him, he'd rather suffer heartbreak for the next thousand years than burden you with it" - And Sam was damn right! Castiel had always been out to please him as much as possible. Even if that meant suffering for it himself. - "But what am I supposed to say to him without completely scaring him off?" - "I don't know, just say something. Castiel is an angel. He'll be confused and upset. Do something before he does something stupid" - Dean was about to jump unprepared into a conversation he couldn't even guess in which direction it would turn. And he did it for Castiel. Because Sam was right about that, too. He couldn't leave it like that and risk that Castiel, out of desperation or whatever reason, did something he would regret. Dean did not know what that could be, but this crazy angel would come up with something. Castiel had this special talent to get himself into dangerous situations. And that especially when he actually had no evil intentions. But Dean decided to prevent that. So he went resolutely back outside. One last look at Sam and a confirming nod, then he was out the door.

For some time he stood helplessly in front of the house entrance. He tried to muster up all his remaining courage and finally dared to open his mouth. Hoping that not too much bullshit left his throat, he began to talk. - "Um- Hey, Cas. I think our conversation didn't go the way it was supposed to. That's why I'd like to talk to you again. So that- You know- Everything-" Dean spoke into the void until just then when he suddenly became aware of the familiar fluttering sound of wings. He stopped and turned in the direction he thought Castiel was heading. - "Hello, Dean" - Still it was like every other conversation they had. It was always the same. He called him, Castiel came, had that hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth, and then looked at him, waiting. With a piercing look that made Dean feel naked every time. Sometimes he really believed Castiel could see inside him with those deep blue eyes. Right into his black and torn soul. - "Hey, Cas" - And yet, something was different this time. Maybe the knowledge that everything between them would change with this conversation? Dean thought about it intensely. Because what exactly would really change between them? - "You wanted to talk?" - Shaking off his thoughts that had kept him from speaking for far too long, Dean cleared his throat in a quick breath. He took another step toward Castiel - "Um, yeah" - Another brief silence. Dean eyed Castiel, trying to read some emotion from his facial expressions. Some feeling of pain or longing. Just something. But he was, as always, a closed book. Still, Dean felt confirmed in what he was doing when he looked into those incredible blue eyes and noticed that twinkle he wasn't sure what it was. But it encouraged him to keep talking. - "I had a feeling somehow that there was something that was left unsaid" - Castiel didn't seem to understand. He frowned and tilted his head a little to the side. - "I just had a conversation with Sam. It was about our conversation, and in it he made it clear to me that I had wronged you. I wanted to tell you-" - Yeah, what did he want to tell him, anyway? - "You-" - Dean faltered. Should he really be doing this? And while this question shot through his head like a mantra, all at once all his courage left him. The man who had defied the devil, prevented the apocalypse, and fearlessly fought even dragons, was suddenly afraid to stand by his feelings? Had he landed in an alternative world again? Was this another one of those terribly twisted dreams? - "Cas, what I feel for you-" - Dean had to break off. Because he didn't know himself what he was trying to say. After all, he didn't know what he felt either. Was it deep friendship? Commitment to him? Was it a simple crush? Or could he claim to really love Castiel? Not just a little bit. Not just halfway. But sincerely and with everything he had. Because he could never call anything else love. Because love was nothing else.

A sigh from Castiel. - "Dean, please. I don't have time for this. I get what you were trying to tell me. I'm like a brother to you" - Dean could see Castiel hesitate. Almost as if he was waiting for objections. But he continued to speak. - "And to me, you are as much like a brother. Almost more than my true siblings could ever be" - Dean knew that was wrong. He should have said something in reply. He should have insisted that Castiel listen to what he had to say, so that this painful feeling would finally subside, the feeling as if a chain was wrapped around his chest, pulling it tighter and tighter. But Dean only nodded. He put on a grin, not even trying to make it look real. Because Castiel wouldn't notice or even understand anyway. - "Then it's all good. Sometimes I just get the feeling you claim to understand something you don't. Or misinterprets it" - For heaven's sake! Was he really babbling right now? Now it was completely over with him. He was clearly losing his mind! And it was only this angel's fault! This impudent angel who was now still staring at him with a smirk on his face. - "Don't worry. I am meanwhile a little more knowledgeable about the behavior of people and their feelings" - Not knowledgeable enough, as Dean thought to himself. But he did not speak it. He said nothing - although he damn well should! He merely lowered his head, smiled to himself, and turned himself into an idiot. - Damn it, say something!, he shouted at himself. But nothing would leave his mouth. The chain that had wrapped his chest in a tight grip spread to his neck and took away his breath. Even worse. It seemed to push back each of the words that tried with all their might to fight their way up. With every link of this chain, trying to make sure that nothing of Dean's inner self got out. None of it should reach Castiel.

"I have to go now" - Dean nodded. - "If there's anything, just call for me" - "I thought you were busy?" - Castiel seemed embarrassed by this remark, because he tilted his head briefly. But then thought better of it and looked Dean firmly in the eyes again. - "By now it should be clear what my priorities are" - Suddenly there was a crackle in the air that Dean was sure Castiel didn't notice. But he did notice it. He knew it was the opportunity. Now he just had to tell Castiel what he felt. Even if he wasn't so sure about it himself yet. Dean felt the need to reach for his neck, hoping to break the chain that held him captive. That prevented him from doing what was right. From telling Castiel how he felt. How he felt about him. That he shouldn't leave. That he should never leave Dean again. That it hurt when he wasn't there. That it burned inside Dean and those flames just wouldn't stop destroying him from the inside out when Castiel wasn't there. When he was angry at him. When he punished him with a look that radiated disappointment. When he looked at him as if he were a nobody, a stranger. When he didn't look at him with those bright eyes that flashed the affection that only Dean could see, because it was only there when he looked at Dean. That Castiel was everything to him. That he was crazy, a complete idiot for not realizing all this much sooner. That he hated himself for letting so much time pass without perceiving Castiel. Perceived him as he really was. The way he was just for Dean with everything he had. With everything he was, he wanted him. And he wanted Castiel to want him too. Like he had never wanted anything before. And he was finally going to say all of that. In a fit of madness and fear he should throw these words at Castiel's head so that he finally understood that everything he said before was complete bullshit. Because he was a good-for-nothing idiot. Because he was afraid of all what was, what is and what could be between them. He should finally open his mouth! Because if he didn't now, then- - "Okay" - And with that, Castiel was gone again. The chain around his body gave way, collapsing link by link, falling silently to the dust-covered floor, visible to no one but Dean. Dean had lost his chance. He had the chance to come clean with Castiel. To take away his insecurity, his disappointment. But he did nothing. He had kept all this to himself because he was too cowardly to admit it. Because he was afraid that this could be real between them. Because Dean didn't know how to deal with the feeling of affection and fear - even the fear for Castiel - once it was there. If he let it all happen, nothing would ever be the same again. There was no turning back. If he let Castiel get to him then he was lost. - Dean only hoped that Sam was not right and Castiel did something stupid.

14.12.2016


End file.
